WTH, trendy fashion? Or why I don’t understand jeans with holes in the knees

Fashion, you are such a fickle godess of cuteness. Just when we figure you out, you start messing with us. Just when we achieve a glimmer of understanding, you pull a switcheroo. Do you think we can’t see what you’re doing? (No, really, I can’t see what you’re doing … where did I put my glasses? Give me a minute here … I just had them … )

(Thirteen-and-a-half minutes later … ) Anyway, I know that fashion is all about making us want new things so we’ll go buy the new things and somebody will make a bunch of money although probably not the people who actually MADE the new things innovation & creativity & fresh new ideas. Fashion is change. Constant change. If it wasn’t, we’d all be wearing Birkenstocks, chokers, matchy-match separates & backpacks from the ’90s.

Oh, wait …

However, there are some trends popping up this fall that I seriously question. I can almost wrap my head around denim overalls. I get why crop tops work. And who can argue against a pair of high-top Converse? But there are a few things that I just can’t. Just cannot, at all.

  • First up–and please remember that these are my personal non-preferences & if coldthey’re some of your favorite things ever in the whole world then cold shoulderwhat do I know?–are cold shoulders. I simply do not understand the cold- shoulder style. I mean, look at these women. It’s obviously cool enough for them to wear long pants & long sleeves. It’s cool enough for the model in all black to opt for a high neck & the other model to go for a sweater. A freakin’ SWEATER. This means that the temperature probably is no higher than the low 60s or upper 50s. That’s chilly, people. That’s hot-chocolate-and-a-blanket weather. Frostbite is a distinct possibility. So, given what we’ve learned, why would we want to expose our shoulders to potentially freezing temperatures? It’s right there in the name: COLD SHOULDER. Could not be any plainer. It’s as if you bought a pair of pants named “flat-butt jeans” or shoes called “extremely painful & dangerous high heels.” This is one instance where fashion is helpfully warning us before we buy. We should listen.
  • jeansSecond is jeans with holes in the knees, but not for the reasons you probably think. Yes, it is true that probably every woman over 35 contemplating a purchase like this has flashbacks to being forced to throw out her favorite childhood jeans because the knees were starting to wear through & no amount of patching could save them. And, yes, it’s also true that seeing the price tags on something that literally is precariously being held together by a few threads makes my raised-by-Depression-era-parents frugality kick in. But the main reason I do not understand jeans with holes in them is this: Look, what’s one of the main reasons for wearing pants? I mean, besides staying warm & providing a suitable background to awesome new boots? No, we all know that the top No. 1 reason for wearing pants is so you don’t have to shave your legs. With holey jeans, however, you’re wasting a perfectly good opportunity to give up shaving for one more day.  You should not have to pick up your razor to wear a pair of jeans. Just sayin’.
  • And then there’s camo. I DO understand camo. Camo is for hunting. Camo is for18301804_1398828510160567_7219919048816544789_n 20431480_1484884338221650_8982695899421444336_nawesome women who are strong & skilled & determined. Camo is for blending in when you’re trying to outfox a … well, you know. Where I live, women wear camo all the time. TO GO HUNTING. Camo isn’t fashion. It’s a tool. That being said, these camo-print soft stretchy shorts are pretty cute. And comfy-looking. They’d be great with a cozy soft black sweatshirt or maybe a black T-shirt & a long fuzzy cardigan. And speaking of cardigans, that camo cardi truly is adorable, don’t you think? Versatile, too. Maybe with a pair of distressed jeans?
  • Finally, there are these:Capture

The new fashion trend of shaping velvet ankle leggings–formerly known as “socks.”






Weekend in the countryYou all know that I am naturally cynical, country bootssuspicious and contrary, but even the sweetest among us, I think, would scoff at these “Weekend in the Country” clothes from a popular fashion-shopping Web site.  I mean, seriously? Are you kidding? Look, I’ve lived country pantsin the country before (at least, I’ve lived in a house where you could see cows across the road) and mainly what you wear on the weekends are 8-year-old tennis shoes, baggy T-shirts from 1980s concert tours and jeans that are ripped and torn not because you spent $300 for them to be that way but because you caught them on a rusty nail. Or maybe that’s just me. And anyway, the “country weekend” looks touted by this e-mail ad — plaids, tights, boots — are pretty much what we Alabama folks wear all winter and fall, whether we’re in the country or in the busiest bustling metro downtown. (Don’t laugh — have you ever been in Birmingham at rush hour? ‘Nuff said.) Look, in all honesty, I know this ad is about the eastern seaboard upper-class tradition of vacating the work week city for a relaxing New England country weekend. I know that. I’m just amused and slightly annoyed at this latest example of the New York City-centric retail-fashion industry once again forgetting that there are other women in other parts of the country who enjoy shopping for trends but don’t need to be condescended to with some sort of Vermont-country-inn fantasy. On the other hand, now that I look at those lace-up stiletto suede booties, I kind of like them. Wouldn’t they look great as you tromped through a beautiful fall forest wearing a denim mini-skirt, plaid jacket and tights? Curse you, American advertising machine!!!

7.8 Pounds of Fall Fashion

If your mailbox has been groaning in protest lately, maybe it’s suffering from Fall Fashion overload. The combined weight of the September 2008 issues of magazine favorites “Vogue,” “Lucky” and “InStyle” is 7.8 pounds and total width (or is that depth — high-school geometry was so long ago!) is 2-1/2 inches. That’s a lot of fashion, but still, I guarantee you, come October I will stand in my closet and whine and complain that I don’t have a thing to wear. And speaking of, what is that thing Keira Knightley is wearing on the Vogue cover? I know that fashion designers have to be wildly creative and that these magazines are mostly fantasy and dreams (for those of us with TJ Maxx budgets, at least), but shouldn’t those fantasy and dreams at least be pretty and/or flattering? I’m just saying.