When my husband John Pitts — who is a super writer and the best editor I know — and I recently celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary, I wrote about it in my weekly newspaper column and asked my husband to talk about the five things he’s learned in five years of marriage. He did, it got great response and I was tickled that I had tricked my husband into writing my column for me my husband so kindly wrote my column for me that week. However, most people noticed that he,in fact, had written it and so wondered why I was so lazy and where my five things were. So here they are: http://www.timesdaily.com/article/20090619/ARTICLES/906195000
But, seriously, the main thing I’ve learned in five years of marriage is something I couldn’t quite articulate in my column without seeming to be critical of my first husband, which I’ve vowed never to do in (newspaper) print. What is that lesson? It’s something I struggled with for years: Saying exactly what I mean and trusting that it’s going to be OK. In my first marriage, I picked up the bad habit of being passive-aggressive. You know, playing the “I’m-upset-but-I’m-not-going-to-tell-you-because-if-you-loved-me-enough-you’d-figure-it-out” game that only leads to disaster. That is not the basis for a healthy relationship, and to get over doing that means you have to rely on trust and faith and respect — which I have in overflowing abundance with my husband John Pitts. Who, by the way, is an awesome stepfather, too. Am I lucky or what?
It’s wonderful to find a partner who is as understanding as your husband. I too, have found a similiar husband, so I share your joy.
Yes you are indeed lucky. My own husband nipped my passivity early in our marriage. One of his favorite statements was, “You’re not helping anything by trying to be a martyr. Out with it…what’s bothering you?”
I really liked your article. Good advice for all of us.
Thank you all so much. And Carolyn, I love your descriptions of being passive and a martyr — that was so me. It takes a good man to snap us out of it!
I look forward to meeting someone and using all that I learned from my first marriage. That is an incredibly healthy attitude to have. Happy Anniversary